Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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