sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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