dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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