She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
