Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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