You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
