So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
That was an excessively violent trivia night
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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