so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
They have beer where we have blood.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
