I think I won the penis lottery.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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