I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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