she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
