there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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