I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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