Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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