whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
