fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
