Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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