she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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