i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
