You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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