Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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