my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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