Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
