Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
