Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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