I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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