My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
