Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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