Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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