Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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