remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize