I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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