I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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