Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
