im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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