that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He has the fingertips of a God
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