We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
