Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
