If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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