I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
