i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize