he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
