I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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