I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize