Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Drunk is not a location!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
