my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
