While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
