I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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