And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
