So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dick very happy bro
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
