OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
we're making bets on your personal life
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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