just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize