Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
