Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Randomize
